My brother who I normally only speak to on holidays called me. When my phone rang and I saw his name come across the screen, I knew what it was. I answered it, and he simply said I hate to have to call you. I told him it’s okay, just say it. Then the words came “mom’s passed”. I didn’t cry. I just said okay. I wasn’t really sure how I felt. You see we haven’t spoken in years. I grew up in an abusive home, and when everyone grew up we all went our own ways. I tried to have a relationship with my mom, but it never worked out. It was very toxic for me. So, I did what was best for me and kept my distance. Do I regret doing that? No. I know that many people will not understand this. You love your parents and can not imagine a life without them. For me, it’s different. And I know there are other people out there that feel the same. This is for you.
I chose to save myself from that life. I knew, if I had my mother in my life, it would be a constant reminder of what my father did. And, what she excused away. Was she a horrible person? No, not at all. I know she loved me the best way she could. She was broken too. You see she met my father when she was only 13. He groomed her as well. I didn’t see that until I was ready. She was just another victim trying to survive. Victims some times have a hard time seeing other victims. It’s a mirror of your pain. It’s easier to not look at it, but sometimes you have to face it for what it is. And I didn’t want to see myself in her eyes. So, I avoided her. It was what was best for me. I couldn’t save her. I could only save myself.
Do I grieve? Yes. I grieve for the mother I wanted. I grieve for the mom to come save me and wrap her arms around me and tell me everything is okay. That was not my mom. She couldn’t be that, and I understand. I’m sure she looked at me and didn’t like the mirror she saw either. It’s okay. Some of us are not meant to have “normal” parents. Some of us have parents that show us what not to be. I took that knowledge and created a different family. One that I did not have. I acknowledged everything I wished my mother was and decided to be that for my own children. I have a choice and I can choose better. I can take the small pieces of good and let go of the bad. I’m choosing a better way.
So, mom. I love you the best way I know how, and I release you. You no longer have to suffer physically or mentally. Neither do I. Thank you for the strength you taught me. Thank you for teaching me to always pick myself back up off the ground. Thank you for being hard. Thank you for not hugging me, because I will take that pain and transform it into loving arms I can wrap around my kids. I will always be there for them when they need me. I will not push them to accept things they shouldn’t. I will give them space and love to be who they truly are, and accept them as is. Thank you for your presence in my life, no matter how it looked. Many will not understand, but that’s okay. This is my journey. Broken and beautiful.
With so much love and hope for the future. The Awakened Bruja
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