It helps me to visualize my emotions as energy. Each singular feeling, as it’s own color and frequency. A physical representation of my energy vibrating. I picture my energy radiating off of me affecting everything it touches. It sends its own vibration out. Whether it is dense and chaotic, or soft and whimsical, it all depends on how I feel. I visualize it often. And now, I live my life by that. I constantly stop myself and check in. Am I happy? How do I feel emotionally? Is this how I want to feel at this very moment? Is it appropriate for the situation?
You might be wondering why I would do such a thing. For me, it’s a way to gauge my mental health. You see, as a child I cut myself off from my emotions. I detached myself. I didn’t realize I had, but looking back all the signs were there. I felt numb most of the time. It was like the only time I “felt” something was if it was super dramatic. I would randomly cut myself or put a cigarette out on myself. Just to feel the pain. Because at least it was something. Definitely not healthy. I knew I wasn’t in my right frame of mind, but was really lost on how to get back. Too much had happened.
I grew up in an abusive household. My parents were chaos. I was the youngest of 4 children just trying to fit into the world. I learned to watch everything. Every detail of a person’s mannerisms. Watching for any hint of tension. Are they going to attack me? It’s like having your fight or flight response in constant preparation to run. So, many nights I would be woken up by my mother screaming we have to run. “Hurry!!!! Hurry!!!! No time for shoes! Hide!!!”. Fear is what I felt most. Every day he was home. I could be playing one minute, then the next a physical fight had broken out down the hall. That was normal. My normal…….not normal. Or at least, what should not be considered normal.
Right now as you’re reading this….you have an image in your mind. A family that fits a profile you have built. I see these families everywhere, and they can be anyone. For us, we blended in perfectly. We were all taught exactly how to behave. How to fit in. Military dad, POW at that, working a good government job. Stay at home mom. Brother great at sports, and the girls in cheer. Always polite, friendly, engaging. It wasn’t all fake, but somewhere I lost what was me and what was the face I was portraying.
I learned to not show my emotions. He taught me. “It’s not good enough that they see it…..they need to feel it. You have to pretend like it’s real”. So, I learned how to use my face and my energy to fake it through life. How to disassociate what I felt with who I thought I needed to be. Sounds strange writing this out now at 46 years of age, but that’s what happened. That’s my truth. I learned how to fit in gracefully, in any situation. I learned how to disconnect myself from my own emotions, and do whatever is necessary. I’m not going to lie, it’s a great skill to have. I can read people well and shut everything off whenever I choose. But……now……I choose to feel. I choose to feel everything. And I feel ALOT.
It’s fascinating how you are so impacted by your child hood. Every core memory being deeply engrained in you. You forget it’s there. You forget that you used to view life differently. I found myself as an adult unlearning everything I was taught as a child. Understanding where each piece of my puzzle went a stray. Slowly connecting the dots that were separated so long ago. I’ve spent numerous nights talking to my husband identifying emotions. Sounds silly, but honestly, that’s what I do. I ask him is anxiety the same feeling as excitement? Is that why when I get ready to go out I get anxious? or am I excited? I’m not sure. Then I think…..how do I want to feel. Excited. Okay, then I’m choosing excited. Then I go. No more fear. If I start to panic then I know. Okay, it’s anxiety. Why? What am I anxious about? What’s the worst that can happen? What’s the best thing that could happen? I question myself, with no judgement of my answers, until I’m comfortable. How else would I know if that’s not what I was taught.
I had to slow down and really start processing how I felt. I had to relearn me. Once I started doing that, then I knew I could live on a whole new level. I could feel joy. I could genuinely feel. I could let go, and live in the moment. Really live. I find myself most days now, standing outside, staring at the sky, being extremely grateful for my life. Shocked that I survived all that I have. Shocked by the drastic comparison of my life now. I’m so extremely blessed. Because if it wasn’t for all those horrible times, I would not have the great appreciation I have for my life now. I’m enjoying every single moment of this life. I’m feeling all the feels, and projecting them in all the right places. Each feeling. Each own archetype of my soul. Living it’s best life to it’s fullest. I choose to feel it all, because I choose to live this life to the fullest. I am the energies I choose to engage with. I am the vibrations that radiate from my heart. Each pulse vibrating out a frequency of my choosing. I choose love. I choose peace. I choose unity. I choose grace. I choose forgiveness. I choose us all.
May my life be a beacon of hope for anyone who needs it.
Sincerely, the Awakened Bruja
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