When I was a little girl I was very spiritual. It’s funny thinking back on it now, because honestly my family was not that religious. I was the youngest of four children in a Catholic family. I remember, we went to church on holidays, and had our own superstitions. But, my parents never spoke to me about the Bible or taught me anything about having a relationship with God or spirit. You see, my parents were not good parents. My father was abusive, and my mother was just another victim. On the outside we looked like everything was great, but it was not. So, why did I feel such a strong pull towards God? Well, I heard him.
That’s right. I heard a voice. In the middle of my chaotic life, I was hearing voices and seeing images in my brain. As a child I didn’t have the words to explain it like I do now. It was very difficult living a life of seeing and hearing outside energies, and trying to fit in with my family and community. Every time I told my parents something, they would tell me not to speak to the spirits. To shut if off. I couldn’t. It was clear as day. When I closed my eyes they were there. Waking me up to teach me. During the days they were there. I would talk to people and they would question why I said what I said? Like somehow my words were repeating a phrase only they knew. I felt confused. Just a very small child connecting to some unseen force. I knew it made my parents uncomfortable, but I know they were lost in their own drama too.
I really wanted to go to church, but the universe had other plans. I remember trying to go for my first communion, but I don’t know what happened. Other than my parents said “they” said no. No clue what that meant. We did however go to, what I was told, was a special church in New Mexico. Santuario De Chimayo. People would go there walking for miles on their knees to show their devotion to God. I was absolutely mesmerized. The church was small and old compared to what I had seen back home. I grew up in Las Vegas, Nevada and the churches their seemed huge to me. But this small church with dirt floors held something very special for me. I can clearly look back and remember walking through there, hearing the stories about the dolls that would come out of the glass case to roam the church at night. I saw the dirt on the shoes and instantly believed. He told us how people traveled from all over to visit this holy spot. To take vials of sand home for their alters. I asked if I could get in the holy dirt space in the floor. The priest just looked at me, smiled, and said “what does God tell you child?” I told him I hear him. He whispers to me. He smiled and said I had been touched and not to worry. It would one day make sense to me. I did get in the sand that day. It was such a small moment in time between a priest and child that today brings tears to my eyes. Because I know there, in that moment, I was in truth. I didn’t know my journey would lead me so far away from it, just to bring me full circle. Funny how life works that way.
I remember praying at the Lady of Guadalupe statue. It was the first time I remember hearing the woman’s voice. I asked the priest if she spoke? He said something to the effect of, all the Saints can speak to those who listen. I just thought that made sense. Once again I was little. Maybe 6?
Once we were back home though, everything went back to how things were. It was just me and my whispers. Abuse surrounded me. Fear ruled my life, and the only comfort I had was the whispers. The constant voices. Some in my head, and some externally audible to me. They constantly encouraged me. Told me there was purpose. They taught me so many things. I had very vivid dreams. I was able to control my dreams easily. I was able to step outside my body and view it from a projected state. Some dreams were horrible nightmares. But they all held messages. I just understood. But I forgot I understood. I forgot how I worked. I disconnected myself.
As I got older, and was suffering, being introduced to more and more trauma. I just kept pushing down my emotions. I learned to disassociate. I didn’t realize doing that was disconnecting me from my body. Physically and spiritually. I stopped understanding the voices. I would forget I could even hear them. I felt numb. Every now and then I would hear them and just assume it was my mind running wild. I just grew up and got busy trying to fit in. I got out of that life. But, my body, it didn’t forgot a thing.
As an adult I sought help. I joined churches, I got prayed for, I seen doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and nothing ever brought me peace. I got sicker, and sicker. I suffered from depression, anxiety, bipolar, and PTSD. My moods would go from completely engaged to not caring at all. I felt like I cared way more than what I should, or not enough. There was no balance. I would have horrible stomach aches, heart palpitation, and what felt like constant vomiting and bloody stools. It got really scary when I started passing out. My heart rate and my blood pressure would just bottom out. The doctors did all sorts of testing and there was never a specific diagnosis as to what was causing it. I was frustrated going back and forth between specialists. I was depressed and just over it all.
Then I started having the dreams again. I started hearing the whispers from the woman. Telling me to wake up. I didn’t know what it was, but there was something familiar to it. My life started changing and I wanted more. I wanted to be apart of my families life. For real. I started meditating. I just knew I wanted calm. I didn’t expect my life to take the turn it has. I didn’t expect to go through a whole healing journey to reconnect to my spirit, and heal my body, but in a nutshell, that’s what happened.
I asked the universe to show me. I showed up, with an open heart and a willingness to see whatever it had to show me, to see truth for what it is, and it did. It’s been a long journey of self reflection, and nervous system regulation, but I feel amazing. I’ve honestly never been so happy. I understand not everyone will resonate with me, they are not supposed to. We each have our own path. We each have our own story to tell. This is part of mine.
You see, that priest had a message for me. He told me not to forget the real truth. “Don’t forget who we naturally are as Native”. Don’t forget Ometeotl. In my meditation that message came to me. That’s how it works for me most of the time. Some people call them downloads. It’s like all of a sudden you know a bunch of information and you don’t know how you know it. Just all this information coming into your mind. I would get a download, then research it to see if it was true, or if it was even a real thing. Then it was like just connecting the dots from there.
Native American and Mexican culture go hand in hand. Actually, a lot of cultures have the same spiritual beliefs. A belief in energy. A belief in spirits. You see, if you are to believe that you are conscious, that you are self aware, who says that other things are not conscious or self aware? You can watch animals out smart each other. You can physically see an animal play dead, to trick a predator. Or watch a pack of animals give each other cues, when attacking another creature. Native culture teaches us everything has a spirit. Everything has its own specific energy. Some might call that an archetype. But, I believe what you give life to has energy. You feed it. If you believe in it, it exists. It’s your belief. Well, I believe the waters have it’s own energy. It’s own spirit that Natives knew existed. The heavens has its own voice as well. If you believe you exist, who’s to say what else exists. To the fish in the stream, we may be the giants. There’s many perspectives.
Ometeotl teaches us about duality. Male and female. That’s how I hear it from spirit too. We are both energies. Masculine and Feminine. Positive and Negative. Light and Dark. We can’t be one without the other. In order for you to experience joy you need to experience sadness. One emotion doesn’t exist without the other. It’s an energy exchange. An exchange of Light and Dark. . We experience love but also experience the loss. We experience the fear, but also the courage. We choose what we entertain. We choose what lessons we learn or what we dwell on. We choose what and who we are. Just like an atom that has positive and negative charge. It’s free will.
For me, I found that in my darkness is where I found my light. If it wasn’t for me deep diving in the darkest parts of my soul. I wouldn’t have found myself. I needed to be my own savior. I needed to learn to love those parts of me that I couldn’t even face. Because the universe sees it all and knows it all. Spirit has always been here to guide me. I hear them clearly now. But, most importantly I feel like myself now. I feel my heart. For real. I love so deeply and I feel so passionate about things that others may find trivial. I see my path, and I’m along for the experience. I will be what I lacked as a child. I will be the love for myself and those around me. I will be the peace and calm. So, I will continue to spread my love and positive energy to those I resonate with. Those of you that are looking for hope. Those of you wanting truth and authenticity. I am here to share my story. If it helps just one, that is enough for me.
Spreading love and sincerity,
The Awakened Bruja
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