It wasn’t until I was an adult that I questioned my role as a wife and mother. I had my own thoughts on what that meant. I grew up in an abusive household. So from my perspective I was doing better than what I was taught. But, was that enough? I loved the family I made, but was I doing it right? And what does that mean? Is there a right way? I honestly feel like we all feel this way. We just don’t talk about it. We are so afraid of being judged that we struggle in silence. We create our own walls, and just keep plowing through the days “surviving”, and anything bad just gets thrown behind a wall. We can get so beat down by everything around us that we lose our own value. We see beautiful women that we feel like we can’t possibly measure up to. We see the perfect mother with her beautiful well behaved children. We see the successful woman that seems so free. We see a lot of things…..then we judge ourselves based on what we see. It’s our choice to put such hard judgments on ourselves. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. How do we change our own perceptions?
Women are emotional by nature. We are meant to be. We feel so deeply and that’s what makes us mothers. We care deeply. It doesn’t matter if you are mothering a child, a fur baby, or a partner. It’s in our nature. We feel a lot. But that doesn’t mean that we are processing what we are feeling. If our emotions are just getting thrown behind the wall, they’re not going anywhere. You are still living with that energy. Emotions are energy. They build up and manifest as anxiety, stress, depression, body aches, inflammation, etc.
How do we get back to basics? We know deep down that we want to be happy. We want to be good mothers. We want to be a good wife. Or do we? Do I want to be “good”. I think I want to be me. Whatever that looks like. I want to be passionate. I want to feel heard. I want to love without fear. I want to be fearless. I want to inspire my family. I want to inspire my children to seek out truth. I want to inspire my family to always be open to learn and adapt. I want to inspire my husband to be the best version of himself that he can be. Is that how I’m acting? What are my actions showing my family?
I needed to first look at myself. And I felt like there was so many buried emotions that I didn’t even know where to start. It was like if I started picking at that wall, I just knew it would unleash a terror I didn’t know if I would survive. What choice did I really have? Do I want to show up in my life as the best version of me or no? What did my family deserve? I just knew I needed to stop pointing the finger out towards everyone and everything that tried to break me. I knew I needed to look in the mirror and take ownership of the unhealed parts of me. I knew I needed to feel it. Feel all of it.
We are each very different. We will all process different. And only you know what will help you. For me, I’m trusting my instincts. I’m learning to be alone with my thoughts and figuring out how I truly feel about everything. I’m learning to be my best friend. I’m learning my husband. I’m learning how to effectively communicate with him. Im learning what his hopes and dreams are. I’m learning how to let go and surrender to true passion. Not just sex. I had always registered sex with connection. Now I’m learning that having a true uninhibited trust with your partner can unleash true passion. It’s a completely different vibe when you have a physical and deep emotional connection. I’m also learning to love myself. My body and all its flaws. My body that has survived more things than it should have. Learning to respect my physical body, has led me to be less self conscious about it, and take better care of it. Which in turn opens me up to be more free in front of my partner. If you don’t feel sexy it shows. And confidence is sexy. If your partner does not encourage you to feel sexy and confident then you need to reevaluate if your partner has your best interest at heart. We want to see the best in people, but what are they showing us? It’s about actions. You should feel beautiful. Everyone should! And you should want your partner to see you as sexy. That’s not the only thing they should see you as, but a sexual and emotional relationship is key to a successful marriage. You’ve got to have both.
But most importantly, I’m learning how to be a good mother. My children are grown now. I can be honest with myself and say I know there are plenty of moments where I have failed as a mother. That breaks my heart, but it’s the truth. And I can’t change anything I don’t acknowledge. Was I horrible, no. I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. Now I know better. Now I realize I’ve been living in survival mode and not truly taking the time to teach knowledge and life skills to my kids. We are raising the future. We should be making sure we are teaching our children to not only survive without us, but how to live a life worth living. That’s on us. We need to teach them everything. They are depending on that. How can we teach them to love and value themselves, if we forgot how to do that for ourselves?
It seems like a lot. A lot to have to work through to find yourself again. Do you remember her? Who you were before the world had its way with you? We apologize for breaking plans because we are overwhelmed. Why are we apologizing? We should only apologize when we do something wrong. Not for setting a boundary. We can say no. We can say that’s fine for you but not me. We can make our own decision for us and our families. But we must first be willing to understand that everyone is doing what they think is best for their families. You don’t need to agree with them, and they don’t need to agree with you. You don’t need to hold yourself to anyone else’s standards. Just respect each other as humans trying to unlearn hurt and learn how to love again. Let’s get back to our instincts.
Be feral. Be wild. Learn to stop and take the time to play with your kids. To go out and dance in the rain. To be silly. To have those moments when your child really sees you and just loves you. Be wild with your husband! Turn him into your best friend. If you can’t share yourself wholly with him then what’s the point? Let him in on your chaos. Let him know when you want advice, or if you want him to just listen. Or tell him you don’t want to talk yet but you could use a hug. A real partner wants what is best for you. And what is best for both of you, is a true connection. A true commitment to be each other’s partner. You might have to have some uncomfortable conversations. And most likely, there’s plenty of things to let go of, but why not? What do you really want?
Be authentic. Dance and let loose to your favorite song. Watch the sad movie that makes you cry. Be furious at injustice. Scream if you want! Just remember screaming doesn’t make someone listen. People will always only understand at the level they are capable of. So learn you. Take responsibility for you. Learn to trust you again. And be unapologetically you! The beautiful disaster that we all are. Both Eve and Lilith. Both good and bad. I am who I am, and I’m not sorry. I feel deeply. I love deeply. I am a lot. I am not sorry. I am me. I encourage you to be you. Our families depend on it.
With love and respect, the Awakened Bruja
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