Not all of us had good fathers. For some of us the word father takes on a whole new meaning. What is a father? A dad? Daddy? That last word instantly makes me want to cry. For years I thought why me? Why? What did I do? I hated Father’s Day. Just a yearly reminder of what I didn’t have and what I never would. Some fathers aren’t around. Some fathers you don’t want to be around. Some fathers teach things that no child should learn. Some fathers show you pain in every way imaginable. Some fathers don’t kiss the boo boos, they make them.
I held that pain for a long time. I didn’t even really think about it, but it was there. Every year when all the Father’s Day posts start streaming through my social media, I would remember it. The feeling would creep in. A slight nausea in my stomach with a fleeting thought of I hope nobody asks me about my dad. It’s common conversation for people. I understand that. It’s a holiday and people just assume you would want to reach out and wish your dad a Happy Father’s Day. But, the thought of having that awkward conversation would give me the worst anxiety. I would feel shame. Honestly that’s what it is. I didn’t want to have to lie, but I couldn’t really come right out and say it either. What are you supposed to say? My dad is not around because he abused me. Then you might here something to the effect of “well you only get one dad”. “It couldn’t have been that bad”. “Your parents are your blood”. Like somehow people think that gives them permission to act like they did. Those conversations infuriated me. I would think, I could just tell them exactly what he did. I could tell them how bad it was. I could see the look of shock go across their face when they realize that there are monsters in the world. But, why? There was never any reason for me to share that burden with people. So, I would just do my best to avoid the conversation.
Well, maybe it needs to be said. Get the awkward conversation out of the way. Some of us have shitty dads. Some of us don’t want them around anymore. It’s a blessing that they are not. I’m glad. I survived. I know how bad it can get. And thanks to those awful experiences, I also know how great it can be. If I didn’t experience what I did, I don’t know that I would hold such high value on the men in my life now. I have a wonderful husband who gives me a space to grow, and just be me. He has shown me what a man should be. One who doesn’t hurt you. He has shown me what a loving father looks like. I get to watch my children have a great father who is supportive and loves them. I get to watch my son be an amazing dad to his daughter. I have a father in law who is the sweetest human ever. Everything that I lacked as a child, I am now surrounded by as an adult. And I truly appreciate it!
There are great men out there. True dads. The dads that may not be perfect, but they are trying. I see you. I hope you know that there are eyes like mine in awe of your love for your child. I’m watching, and it brings me so much joy to know that kid is loved. I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anybody, but I’m glad I learned from it. I didn’t get a good dad, but I did get the appreciation for the good ones. I hope those of you that have a good dad see his value. Take it from me, you have something precious.
Happy Father’s Day, the Awakened Bruja
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