When I was a child, I called out to God. I screamed with every ounce of my being. Pure hope and determination to be heard. I needed something from the universe. I felt so small and so unheard. I felt like I didn’t belong. Like I somehow ended up on this strange planet, with these strange people, who only wanted to hurt each other. I screamed and hoped that somehow my words would be felt by a power way greater than anything my little heart could imagine. And God answered. Some people might consider a child hearing the voice of God as imagination, or lunacy. No matter what you call it, that’s how I remember it. A strong belief in me, projected out to the universe. And the whispers followed.
You see as a child I was perceiving the world differently than my family. I was only about 5 when I started telling my mother about the little boy in our house that wanted to play with me. I could see and hear him so clearly, but it was obvious, even from a young age, that my mother was very uncomfortable with me saying such things. She always told me to ignore him. To stop talking to “them”. Every time she heard me whispering to the nothing, she would get irritated. I tried to explain myself, but I only had the vocabulary of a 5-year-old with no life experience. And even when I said things way too advanced for me to know, it would just scare her. You see, she knew. She knew I was connecting to something. Because she warned me about my dreams, and talking to my aunts. Or you could say the fates. “Three women when you turn 13 will start to visit you”. Like what? Who says that? My mom that’s who. She told me all kinds of crazy stuff, but it happened. Did she create it? Did she manifest my life and how things would unfold? Did she see the patterns because she knew her own? I don’t know. What I do know, is I was a child seeing and talking to entities not visible to anyone else. I also know, my mom had her own mental health issues. And so did my father.
My mom suffered, there’s no doubt in my mind about that. I remember her staying in the hospital due to a nervous breakdown. I also remember her telling me stories of her mother. My mom didn’t know her real mom, because she spent her life hospitalized due to her mental health issues. She heard voices. I’m sure my mom did too, but she learned not to tell anyone. Her depression got the best of her a lot. But she did the best she could. Better than her mom, right? That’s the point? To be better than those before you. She did better, but she was not kind. Sometimes I felt like a doll to her, and other times, I think she just hated me.
My dad, I would have liked to of known him as a kid. I wonder if he would have been kind. Before he grew up in racism. Before he went off to Vietnam. Before he worked for Area 51. My dad has had an interesting life, but it broke parts of him. He learned to be charismatic. To be able to flip a switch and be the funny guy. He also learned how to disassociate. I think he pushed his emotions away one too many times and lost them. At least that’s what I tell myself. Because I don’t know how someone could hurt a child and not feel for them. Unless you’ve disconnected from your feelings, your spirit, your love. But I also had fun times with him. He liked to go explore the wilderness. Out in the Nevada desert you can find old ghost towns, and old Indian burial grounds. Once we visited a burial ground and I told my dad that I could see the Indians everywhere watching us. He laughed it off until he saw all the writings in the dust on his car. Markings I’d never seen before. I know he tried to help me in his own way. But being raised with broken people is never easy. And we all struggled between their chaos.
When I called out to God, I meant it. I was so little, and I just knew there was more to this world. I didn’t realize not everyone was seeing the world the same way. I was confused. I would talk to the whispers often. I’m sure it’s similar to seeing a child play with an imaginary friend. I would get up in the middle of the night just to sit in the closet and hear them. Whispers of hope. Whispers of faith. Guidance for a long journey ahead I was not yet aware of. But as I grew up, and hormones started kicking in. The voices in my head became the judgements of my family surrounding me. So, little by little I conformed. I shut it out. I learned to bury my emotions and survive. I learned to bury my feelings and keep going. But my rage would leak out. And my depression got the best of me. I forgot how I existed in this world, before the world had its way with me. Before my mom held me under the water, before my dad started coming into my room at night. Before I learned it’s easier to give into a man than to fight. Before I learned that it was easier to step out of my body then be in it at moments. Before I lived through my sister’s suicide. So, many things change you. I forgot how to be me. I stopped feeling. I shut myself off from me.
I survived the best I knew how. I fit in, but I struggled with addiction and my own mental health issues. I was definitely caught up in my own mind and my own experiences. I didn’t see what I was doing to everyone around me. I struggled and rightly so. I was broken and never wanted to have to fix it. Because I would have to look at it. All of it. And self-accountability is ugly. I know it’s not my fault, the hand I was dealt. The family that raised me. They did what they chose to do. I have no control over any of that. But keeping all that pain, was me. I didn’t know how to set down. I didn’t know I could. It was really all I knew. It was my identity.
I started getting sick. Like really sick. I was having heart palpitations and fainting at random. My stomach hurt all the time, and nausea and diarrhea were my new besties. Anxiety and depression at an all-time high. My body was over my neglect of self and was acting out in defiance. Yet I had no idea what was happening. I went from specialist to specialist, and no real answers. “Auto immune?” “Your body is doing this but there’s no reason”. “It’s all in your head.” Except yeah there’s a real consequence when you can’t work because you faint when you are overwhelmed. Yeah, that’s a thing if you didn’t know. You can be so emotionally fucked up that your body literally makes your life hell. It’s like a toddler screaming at you for attention. And we’re so messed up we don’t even realize it’s us. By not dealing with my emotions, I was making myself physically sick.
I knew about shamans. About humans born into diversity and pain, only to overcome it. To transform that pain into knowledge. To choose to alchemize your pain into wisdom to help others. I forgot about it though. I forgot about crying out to God, Source, the universe, the ALL, whatever you call it. I forgot I said I wanted to help. To be like Jesus. My young child like mind, just wanting to be good. Whatever that looked like. I didn’t realize the pain I was taking on. This crazy life that has led me so far. I forgot who I was. But now I remember. I remember dreaming of a day of safety. Dreaming of living in a home with peace. Having a husband who I love like my own prince charming. Dreaming of having children I can watch grow and experience life. And now it’s all right in front of me. Mine for the taking if I’m brave enough to believe I deserve to be happy. It takes real effort to understand how you feel and how you exist in this world. I forgot. I forgot I hear every emotion as its own voice in my head. Each emotion sitting at the round table of my mind demanding to be felt and understood, projecting images in my brain. My body is constantly observing and filtering out my environment with its senses. I don’t need to try with that; nature takes over. But I do need to understand the voices. The emotions explaining themselves to me, and then I can engage with clarity.
You see, I feel like a huge part of me is the fact that I have faced death so many times. Crossing a barrier with consciousness has made me aware of a different perspective of life. My mind has been shattered. I have been broken and have learned to disassociate with my body. But now, I’ve rebuilt who I am, and how I engage. I understand how I “feel” this world and how I can exist in it. It’s not perfect, but it is real. And it is something I so desperately needed to be free. I needed to find out who I was before all the trauma. Before my nervous system went haywire. I remembered how to listen to myself. I listened to the still small voice and found me. I am a gentle soul who loves calm and creativity. I love watching people be genuinely happy and live a life of wonder and curiosity. I love people who express themselves and are kind at heart. And I dislike people who are loud and overbearing. I dislike the egos that try to enforce their opinions on others. I like a gentle flow. So, I hate being in environments that encourage me to act anyway other than peaceful.
For me, I see people as entities, angels and demons. Positive and negative attributes depending on their mood and actions for the day. Humans are mailable and constantly adapting to the biggest force they are engaging with. Simply put, everything is energy. And energy is atoms in motion. Atoms are equal positive and negative. We are the vessels. People/Humans are the expressions of those energies/emotions. How we engage in our lives are the reflections of our internal beliefs. Our whole perspective of life is how we believe we are. We view the world through our own projection. Therefore, you are in control. You can reprogram your beliefs. You can choose to wake up at any time. Wake up to who you are and who you want to be. You can choose to participate in this matrix we call life. You can choose to see the world through different perspectives for a better understanding of humanity. You can choose to be kind and understand just because something or someone is different it does not mean evil.
We live in a society where there’s so many layers to our government we can no longer discern what is appropriate. Layer upon layer to cause confusion instead of just making decisions on being a human. We assign people numbers instead of names. It’s easier than facing the truth that humanity is struggling. Suicide and mental health disorders should not be common. Schools focused on conformity versus creative development and progress, helping to keep the elite in charge and the majority following in fear of war. We are entertained by what they show us. The latest movies and music so delicately bought and paid for by the elite. Your internet searches filtered by the powers that be. The ones hoarding free energy and holistic healthcare. They teach you to rely on their medicine and their food. They don’t want you healthy. They don’t want you to wake up to the illusion you have been fed for so long. The government and this messed up system is working exactly as it was designed. It causes separation and confusion. It makes you live in a state of fear. And fear is profitable. Fear will make you conform to fit in. Nobody wants to be the outcast. You’ve been taught how socially unacceptable that is. I’m here to say fuck it. I am who I am. Judge away. I’m far from perfect and I have learned to love the things that have made me so shameful. My body is still my temple, and my voice is the awareness that flows through it. I choose to express my experience for the benefit of those that need it.
Each one of us has a story. We learn from each other. We can communicate our individual experiences and be a mirror for those seeking one. In sharing our experiences, we can learn to understand each other and find common ground. Learn to live a life centered on peace and acceptance. We can choose not to engage in hate and chaos. We can take accountability of our own words and actions. We can’t control anyone else but ourselves. That is where we all must start. The path to salvation is within.
So, I will choose to be gentle. I will choose to be a safe place for those trying to maneuver their way through life and make a difference. For those choosing to heal and get past the pain they have endured. For those wanting to experience life and truly live. I will choose to be a voice for the energies I see, and the whispers from beyond. I will choose to be me. And I hope you choose to be who you really are too.
With love and acceptance,
The Awakened Bruja
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