It started a few years ago. I started having dreams again. Vivid dreams like I had when I was a kid. I would hear whispers to “wake up” and jolt myself out of bed, only to find nobody there. I had no idea what was to come. I was busy with my daily life. Juggling work, spouse, and growing kids turning into young adults. We were planning on moving, and I was starting to get anxious.
I had been dealing with autoimmune for a while by now. Maybe 5 years of in and out of doctors’ offices only to discover it’s just me. They kept saying it’s in my head. There was no physical reason for my heart rate to drop with my blood pressure, or constant nausea, vomiting and fatigue. Chronic diarrhea and overall feeling like shit. My body was attacking me, and I didn’t know why. So, when the dreams started, I just thought great. Here come the nightmares. You see I have struggled with night terrors for a long time. Complex PTSD. I grew up with an abusive father and an emotionally unavailable mother. But it was more than that. My body was remembering.
Once we moved into our new home, I started really thinking about my life, and what I wanted to experience. I never dreamed of living out in the country, but here we were and I didn’t want to be sick for it. I wanted to experience a full life with my kids and grandbaby. I wanted to get better. I knew these dreams were my bodies way of talking to me. So, I dived in. I started meditating and learning about shadow work. Learning about my subconscious and all the hidden parts within me. I was open to it. I wanted to know what the universe was telling me.
So, one day as I was walking down the stairs of this new home, looking at how far I’ve come from when I was a kid. It happened. I just remembering thinking “I’m home” and as I stepped my foot down on the step, this energy released inside me. I’ve heard Kundalini described as a coiled snake jumping up, and that is exactly what it felt like. Like my back muscles released and all the fluid in my vertebrae just shot up my spine. Once that happened my eyes physically fluttered and reset. Those are the only words I have to describe that. But it was like my eyes readjusted and I could see for the first time. And I saw everything. Not in just a seeing everything in the room with me, but I saw my whole life. Every thought, every action, every poor and good decision. My entire childhood that I had suppressed away, came back in just a flip of a switch.
For me now, I can only say, I was asleep. Walking through life, completing the same patterns over and over again. And all of a sudden, I was very awake. Awake to my every thought. Every word and tone I used. Every action I was making I was super aware. And nobody around me could possibly understand what was happening. I felt alone, yet free. My spirit woke up in this body, with endless possibilities left to be lived.
I see now. Why I went through everything I went through. It set me up for my place here now. I survived. I survived what should have killed me. I survived my childhood. I survived myself. My shadow. And now I see purpose.
So, here I will share all those stories. You will hear all the details. Because it’s in our voices that we create and make change. My story isn’t pretty. It’s pretty messy. But I love every dysfunctional part that made me. Because I know I have a big heart. I have a lot of love to give even if I struggle to receive it. I’m not giving up. And neither should you. This world is waking up. My body and spirit are doing its thing. Conscious and subconscious uniting to help guide me through this life. Energy doesn’t die it just changes form. We’ve been here all along. And now it’s time to wake up.
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