Today I was watching my husband, and it got me thinking about our relationship. He truly has helped me tremendously. If it wasn’t for his ability to help me balance my energies, I’d be lost. I’ve learned so much from him. I didn’t grow up with an emotionally intelligent man. I’d never really known one. My father was abusive in every way and growing up I just thought that was normal. But my Michael challenged that narrative. And he has always been patient and supportive of me.
We’ve learned together, how we support each other. We’ve learned what our strengths and weaknesses are in our relationship. How to best complement each other. I used to struggle with that a lot. Sometimes I still do. I hate feeling like I’m being taken for granted and ultimately so does Mike. So, we know to pay attention and make sure we are communicating.
For me, my dad taught me how he thought I should behave. Quiet and obedient. One time in high school I told my dad I was getting a ride home with a friend and when he realized that friend was a boy, he made me go ask my boyfriend if I was allowed to go. He actually used the word “allowed”. I was mortified, because I knew the friend dynamic and it was a good friend of ours. Needless to say, that boyfriend broke things off soon after. He told me he thought it was weird that I felt the need to tell him everywhere I was going and what I was doing. He didn’t want to be with someone who asked for permission. And I didn’t know any better. I did what I was raised to do. My dad would say things like if he really loved you, he would be obsessed with you and want to know everything. He’d place blame on me that I wasn’t good enough. He told me things like all men hit you. They need to, and you should just be available for sex. You can’t say no, or they will find it somewhere else. And if your man finds sex from someone prettier, or a better cook, or better mother, etc. that he would leave and you would be all alone. This is what he taught me since birth. And I watched that life unfold between him and my mom. Her constantly seeking his approval and never quite living up to it. I thought that was normal.
Because of how I was raised, it was easy for me to get involved with men who would take advantage of those characteristics in me. A girl just looking to please, begging to be loved. I honestly lucked out when I met my husband. I always say the ancestors placed me right where I needed to be to meet him. And he showed me what real men act like. He loves me when I’m lost and can’t get out of my thoughts. And he loves me when I’m living my best life. It doesn’t matter how I am; it’s just me. He makes me feel safe. Like it’s okay to fall apart and ugly cry, because I’m just overwhelmed and can’t breathe. He’s learned the best way to help me is by just holding me. He helps me match my breathing to his to ground my spirit. And he doesn’t think I’m crazy when I talk about needing to ground myself. He doesn’t always understand the woo-woo, but he hears me out and says he’s all in every time. Which is all that I need.
This journey I have taken of self-discovery would not be possible without his help. I can run to him when I have an epiphany, and we can talk it out for however long I need to. We are in this marriage with the awareness of we want to grow and develop together. We come from two very different backgrounds and knew two completely different normals. And together we are creating our new normal. Every day growing a little more. It’s learning to be patient with each other, as we both learn how to be humans. How to live out our dreams and create our own version of heaven on earth. We’re creating a family. A legacy of ancestors. It’s the most important work to me. I’ve got my kids and grandbabies watching me. I want to give this life my all, and not just tell them anything is possible, but show them.
So, today I’m grateful. I’m grateful for knowing how hurtful men can be. My father taught me that lesson well, And, when I look at my husband I see everything that he is not. And everything that he is. And I’m so grateful. If I hadn’t of experienced my father first, I might not be so fucking blessed now. Maybe I would have taken Michael for granted. And just shrugged off the nice guy. But I see him. And I’m not going to take his love for granted. Instead, I’m going to nourish it. To feed that energy. Loving someone is the easiest thing to do, once you know you are both all in. The day will come when one of us leaves the other. Death inevitably comes, but not today. And I’ll take the hurt later, for the love today. That’s an energy exchange I’m willing to make.
I am all in. Today and forever. I’ll choose love.
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